The Childhood Trauma That Shaped Your Attachment Style Without Consent
Beneath the Surface Therapy
Journal · Attachment & relationships
Childhood Trauma and Adult Attachment
Understand the pattern. Keep room for change.
A guide to the relationship expectations you learned early—and the choices that may become available when those expectations are easier to recognize.
Keep in mind: Attachment language can help name a pattern. It should not become a verdict about you or someone you love.
When a current moment feels much older
You may be dependable, thoughtful, and used to managing responsibility. Yet in a close relationship, you may find yourself needing repeated reassurance, going quiet during conflict, agreeing before you know what you feel, or staying busy to avoid a difficult conversation.
Perhaps you know that the person in front of you is not the person who first hurt you. That knowledge may not immediately change the expectation that a disagreement will end in rejection, punishment, or distance. These are possible experiences to explore—not a diagnosis of everyone who recognizes them.
Attachment theory offers a way to understand expectations about closeness, support, independence, and whether connection will return after difficulty. It is one framework, not a complete explanation of a person. (Bowlby, 1982; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016)
The relationship may be current. The expectation shaping your response may be older.
What early relationships can teach
A child does not choose the first environment that teaches whether needs are welcome, comfort is available, or a boundary will be respected. Abuse and frightening care can affect those expectations. Neglect and emotional unavailability can matter, too. Research links childhood maltreatment with attachment insecurity, while leaving substantial room for differences between people. (Cyr et al., 2010; Widom et al., 2018)
A child may develop a rule such as “I must keep everyone happy,” “I cannot depend on anyone,” or “My needs are too much.” Pursuing, pleasing, controlling, withdrawing, or becoming less visible may be ways of trying to preserve connection or reduce danger. Those examples are possible protective strategies, not a formula for reconstructing someone’s childhood.
The question is not whether an old strategy was foolish. It is whether that strategy still fits the relationship and circumstances you are in now.
What the research does—and does not—show
Attachment research began with children and caregivers and was later extended to adult romantic relationships. Those traditions are related, but their observations and measurements are not interchangeable. (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Bowlby, 1982; Hazan & Shaver, 1987)
A 2026 review of 228 independent samples found small-to-moderate associations between childhood maltreatment and adult attachment anxiety and avoidance. Another 2026 review linked childhood sexual abuse with both dimensions, with substantial variation across studies. These findings describe associations, not a prediction of any one person’s future. (Li et al., 2026; Pastor-Cerezo & Iborra Cuéllar, 2026)
Longitudinal research emphasizes continuity and change. Early experiences matter, but they do not determine adult outcomes. (Fraley & Roisman, 2019)
Patterns, not permanent personality types
Adult attachment is often understood along dimensions of anxiety about availability or rejection and avoidance of dependence or closeness. Research supports dimensions more strongly than four sharply separated boxes. The familiar labels below are orientation tools, not mental health diagnoses. (Fraley et al., 2015; Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991)
More secure / flexible
Closeness and independence can coexist. You can ask for support, hold a limit, and use present information during stress. Security does not mean never feeling uncertain.
Anxious / preoccupied
Distance may bring urgency: checking, overexplaining, or repeatedly seeking reassurance. The useful question is what feels uncertain and what a direct request might sound like.
Avoidant / dismissing
Depending on someone may feel difficult. You may minimize a need, move into tasks, or withdraw. The useful question is how to name capacity without disappearing.
Fearful / fearful-avoidant
Closeness may bring both longing and apprehension. You may move toward and away from connection. Slower pacing and predictable agreements may be important to explore.
These descriptions draw on adult attachment models and research on relationships under stress; they are not a checklist for identifying someone’s history. (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016; Simpson & Rholes, 2017)
A note about “disorganized attachment”
Adult fearful or fearful-avoidant attachment is not interchangeable with the infant disorganized/disoriented classification used in the Strange Situation. These terms come from different assessment traditions. They should not be used as interchangeable diagnoses. (Duschinsky & Solomon, 2017; Main & Solomon, 1990)
A different question to bring into therapy
Instead of asking only “Which type am I?”, it may be more useful to ask: “What do I expect will happen if I need something, disagree, or let someone close?” A person may feel more secure with a reliable friend and less secure in another relationship. Both wider tendencies and relationship-specific expectations deserve attention. (Fraley et al., 2015; Fraley & Roisman, 2019)
One possible thread is early experience, a protective rule, an adult habit, a present trigger, and a more chosen response. Recognizing that thread does not erase the past. It can create a starting point for discussing direct requests, boundaries, support, or a different way to pause.
You did not choose your earliest relationship lessons. They do not have to be the only lessons available to you.
A few questions for private reflection
- What do I expect when someone changes tone, delays a reply, or asks for space?
- Do I tend to pursue, please, control, withdraw, or shift between several responses?
- What is happening in this relationship now—not only what happened before?
Reflection is optional. You do not need to send answers or a personal history through a website inquiry.
Individual psychotherapy · Private pay
Make room for your own experience.
Individual therapy can make room for the memories, expectations, and present-day concerns connected to a recurring pattern. An intensive is considered through assessment and clinical fit—not an attachment label.
Explore EMDR intensives with assessment, preparation, individualized pacing, and integration planning. Psychotherapy is provided exclusively through telehealth for adults physically located in California.
Start with the prescreener on the intensive page. Jillian reviews your inquiry before offering a free 15-minute consultation when appropriate. Submitting does not book an appointment or confirm acceptance for treatment.
For EMDR-trained clinicians: focused professional EMDR case consultation is a separate, non-credit-bearing service—not personal psychotherapy, clinical supervision, or EMDRIA credentialing consultation.
About the author
Jillian Ellison, M.A., LMFT 156597
Jillian is an EMDRIA Certified Therapist and founder of Beneath the Surface Therapy. Her practice focuses on private-pay individual EMDR intensives through California telehealth and professional EMDR case consultation for clinicians.
Meet Jillian →Sources & further reading
Research citations support the explanatory material. The examples, scripts, and reflection prompts are educational synthesis—not quotations, diagnostic tools, or individualized treatment instructions.
References · 14 sources
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1980-50809-000
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.61.2.226
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books. (Original work published 1969). https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1982-59218-000
Cyr, C., Euser, E. M., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2010). Attachment security and disorganization in maltreating and high-risk families: A series of meta-analyses. Development and Psychopathology, 22(1), 87–108. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579409990289
Duschinsky, R., & Solomon, J. (2017). Infant disorganized attachment: Clarifying levels of analysis. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 22(4), 524–538. https://doi.org/10.1177/1359104516685602
Fraley, R. C., Hudson, N. W., Heffernan, M. E., & Segal, N. (2015). Are adult attachment styles categorical or dimensional? A taxometric analysis of general and relationship-specific attachment orientations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(2), 354–368. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000027
Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: Four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 26–30. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.02.008
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
Li, S., Ma, Y., Cao, X., Liu, J., Qi, Y., & Chen, X. (2026). Childhood maltreatment and adult attachment: A three-level meta-analytic review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380261455767
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention (pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1990-98514-004
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462525546
Pastor-Cerezo, V., & Iborra Cuéllar, A. (2026). The association between childhood sexual abuse and adult attachment: A meta-analytic review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380261439134
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
Widom, C. S., Czaja, S. J., Kozakowski, S. S., & Chauhan, P. (2018). Does adult attachment style mediate the relationship between childhood maltreatment and mental and physical health outcomes? Child Abuse & Neglect, 76, 533–545. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2017.05.002
This article provides general education, not individualized diagnosis, treatment, crisis support, or relationship safety planning. Reading it does not establish a therapist–client relationship. Clinical decisions require assessment by a qualified professional.